


Take Me Out to the Ballgame

by la_topolina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Baseball, Baseball, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Pastiche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:06:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24650524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_topolina/pseuds/la_topolina
Summary: It's the bottom of the ninth, the Order of the Phoenix is down by three, and the world is on the line.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Take Me Out to the Ballgame

**Author's Note:**

> This one's for Stargazer and Contrarian.

Matt: For those of you just joining us here in the bottom of the ninth, we’ve got a very tense and unusual ballgame today.

Tom: To say the least. 

Matt: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game quite like this, and that’s saying something.

Tom: You can say that again, partner. How many hours of baseball do you think you’ve watched?

Matt: It could probably be counted in years at this point, buddy.

Tom: So, a lot.

Matt: Exactly, a lot. Today we’ve got the Order of the Phoenix versus the, uh, Death Eaters. Five—Two, Death Eaters. Tom, I think the Death Eaters’ marketing people need to take a look at that name.

Tom: No doubt, no doubt.

Matt: Maybe there’s some kind of death metal sponsorship tie-in…but in any case, both of these teams are made up entirely of wizards—not really sure what those are—and whoever wins this game will be taking over the world. So a winner-take-all, sudden death sort of a thing.

Tom: That’s a lot of death there, Matt. 

Matt: True. Takes the idea of a world championship to a whole new level, doesn’t it? 

Tom: I’m guessing we want the team without death in their name to win, right?

Matt: I think that’s a safe bet and at this point it’s not looking good. The Order was leading until the top of this inning, when the Death Eaters managed to load the bases. Thanks to an unfortunate mistake by Ron Weasley, the Death Eaters scored four runs, giving them a nice, but not insurmountable lead.

Tom: Yeah, Ron really shouldn’t have reached into the ivy to find that ball. If he’d remembered to throw up his hands, then it would have been a double and the Death Eaters wouldn’t have caused that much damage.

Matt: Did you ever make that mistake when you were playing?

Tom: Only once—most people only make that mistake once.

Matt: I hope, for the sake of the world, the Order can pull it together for this inning. It’s not impossible, but they can’t afford any mistakes. The fans are all on their feet, everybody’s screaming, and _Welcome to the Jungle_ is blaring from the speakers as Bellatrix Lestrange, the Death Eater’s closer, makes her way to the mound. And, I have to say, she does look strange.

Tom: From the look of her, you probably shouldn’t say that too loud, partner.

Matt: That’s good advice. Harry Potter is stepping up to the plate, and Lestrange is making a pretty rude gesture at him. Potter’s unfazed, takes his batting stance, the first offering. And he gets ahold of it, solid drive up the middle, he makes it to first easily!

Tom: That’s what we need! Keep it up, Order!

Matt: Lestrange spits on the ground—she’s obviously furious—and Fred Weasley is up next. 

Tom: There are an awful lot of Weasleys in this game. And I think the second base umpire is a Weasley too.

Matt: Living the dream there—a team in one family. Lestrange winds up, here comes the pitch—strike one. 

Tom: Snape, the home plate umpire’s strike zone is all over the place.

Matt: I agree, and it isn’t favoring the Order. The 0-1. Strike two. Those both looked like balls to me, but Snape’s made it clear arguing won’t help. Dumbledore was ejected back in the sixth for arguing a slide.

Tom: Rapport with the umpire can really make or break a team.

Matt: That’s for sure. Here comes the 0-2, a pop up to center, it’s a routine play coming down to Macnair, but wait—Crabbe’s coming in too and they crash into each other! Macnair’s back on his feet and he gets the ball in to Rookwood, but Potter and Fred are safe by a mile. It’s important to call those balls, isn’t Tom? 

Tom: You bet. Crashing into your teammate when you’re running at top speed is no fun. I’m surprised Macnair was able to get up as fast as he did.

Matt: Crabbe didn’t seem to be going at full speed, so maybe that helped. Macnair is certainly giving Crabbe a piece of his mind now, too. Not a lot of camaraderie on the Death Eaters’ team.

Tom: You can say that again.

Matt: Two on, no outs, and Ginny Weasley steps up to the plate. She’s been a real asset this whole game, very reliable at getting on base and a solid short stop.

Tom: No doubt, no doubt. 

Matt: Let’s hope she can load these bases, or maybe even get somebody home and close up this gap. The first pitch, swing and a miss, strike one.

Tom: That was pretty far outside, but maybe she was worried about the moving strike zone.

Matt: That might be a safe bet. The 0-1. Swing and a miss, strike two. That one was also outside. 

Tom: Look at Ginny’s shoulders, she needs to relax. 

Matt: What would you do in this situation?

Tom: You just gotta stay in the moment, just look at the ball as it comes by and not think about what happened before, or what the score is.

Matt: The 0-2, swing and a miss, strike three. That’s one down, runners on first and second, and Sirius Black is our next batter.

Tom: If you thought the look Lestrange gave Potter was dirty, check out the look she’s giving to Black. 

Matt: Closers usually have a good game face, but Lestrange’s is downright evil. Black is laughing, taking it in stride, and here comes the first offering. And Black is hit in the head by the pitch! He’s on the ground—that does not look good at all.

Tom: I hate to say this, but I think Lestrange did that on purpose.

Matt: I think you’re right; that was vicious. Charlie Weasley trots out of the dugout—he’s been acting as player manager since Dumbledore was ejected. Black is moving, that’s a good sign. Charlie’s talking to him, checking him out, and now Black is sitting up. I wonder if that was payback for his homer in the sixth. He’s on his feet and he’s making his way slowly to first. Potter and Fred advance, they’re concerned, but Black is smiling again, waving, and the crowd goes wild for him.

Tom: Whew! Lestrange looks even madder now. I hope that Granger will be okay in the next at bat.

Matt: We’re going to find out right now. Called strike. Now, Granger’s been a solid bunter during this whole game. 

Tom: A bunt would do it, just keep things going. It’d be great for her to get at least one run in here, take some of the pressure off of Ron Weasley.

Matt: The 0-1, checked swing—no Snape’s calling it a strike he’s saying she swung. 

Tom: Man, she looks mad, too.

Matt: She does, I don’t think I want to mess with any of the witches on these teams.

Tom: No doubt, no doubt.

Matt: The 0-2, called strike and we’re down to our last out. Bases are loaded, Ron’s got a lot to do here. Tying run is on first, but if he doesn’t get them in, we’re done for. The crowd is eerily silent—I think they’ve figured out this game is more than meets the eye.

Tom: Well take a look at the jumbo-tron; it says ‘Muggle Filth, We Own You’.

Matt: Cheerful people, these Death Eaters. Ron’s up now and he’s nervous. The first pitch and it’s strike one. I think that was actually a strike—not a good start to this at bat. What would you tell Ron in this situation?

Tom: Just breathe and focus. Let the bat work for you and swing!

Matt: Solid advice. The 0-1; and it’s in the dirt for a ball. 

Tom: These high pressure situations you gotta just stay in the moment.

Matt: Ron’s been having a hard time with that this whole game. Here comes the 1-1, swing and a miss, strike two. ( _Sighs_ ) I’ll meet you down in the salt mines, partner.

Tom: I guess this is it—the enslavement of the human race.

Matt: And the 1-2, strike…wait…Snape says it’s a ball and Lestrange is livid! She’s heading for Snape, but Voldemort is out of the dug-out and he gets to Snape first. Voldemort is screaming at Snape! I wonder if he’s going to hit him. 

Tom: And Snape’s just standing there, smiling at Voldemort.

Matt: Voldemort is kicking dirt on Snape’s shoes now, and that’ll be it for him, Snape’s throwing him out too. Voldemort walks away, but he comes back and kicks some more dirt on Snape’s shoes before finally storming out of the stadium. He and Dumbledore’ll have to watch the rest of it somewhere else. But Ron’s still alive, two balls, two strikes, two outs, bases loaded, bottom of the ninth, the world on the line. Now would be a good time to start praying, partner.

Tom: Already on it.

Matt: Lestrange licks her lips, the wind up, Ron swings, this could be the end right here—Wait, he’s got it! Look at that ball—it’s got a chaaaance—get out the tape measure; long gone! The crowd’s on its feet, everybody’s screaming, Potter’s in, Fred’s in, here comes Black, still limping, and Ron is skipping across homeplate. His teammates meet him, and here’s Granger, planting a smooch on him to beat the band. What a moment—a golden homer!! 

Tom: I can’t believe he did it! What a moment!

Matt: The Death Eaters are screaming, crying, throwing their mitts on the ground.

Tom: That’s a bunch of sore losers.

Matt: Well, it looks like the world is safe for another day. After nine, The Order of the Phoenix with Six, the Death Eaters with Five, and humanity wins again. I think this calls for a celebration.

Tom: You get the burgers and I’ll get the beer.

Matt: It’s a plan. We’ll be back with the totals after this.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Stargazer (10) who scored this game for me and corrected my baseball lingo. Any mistakes are mine alone.
> 
> Welcome to the Jungle belongs to Guns N' Roses and is used by many closers as their walk-on music.


End file.
